“You take one of my babies and the deal’s off!”
A few years ago I stood in my shower and threatened God, or at least I thought I did, that if anything happened to one of my kids I would walk away. I literally thought that if the worst of my fears actually came true, I would blame Him and never talk to Him again. I was that afraid. I lived in a a state of fear; fear that He would take one of my children and if He did, so help me God because no one else would be able to.
I would worry, and sometimes go into sheer panic, if someone else was driving the car with them in it. I just knew that if I wasn’t with them, that would be the time something went wrong. I reasoned that even if something did go wrong and I was there, well, at least I was there. I was terrified that something awful would happen.
I had the same experience with Him a few years earlier when it came to my husband. I figured that one way for me to be “forced” into getting closer to God and having the “real me” exposed would be if I faced my worst fears. I cried and cried, again in the shower, to God that I didn’t want to get any closer to Him if it meant I would lose someone. I figured the results I heard that come from suffering were not ones I was willing to suffer for.
All in all, it was a twisted thought life stemmed from my grandparents being ripped from our family in a deadly plane crash when I was thirteen. Somehow those emotions were capitalized on and the Enemy had a hay day. Fear set in like cement and put a rock solid belief system in me that took the sledge hammer of truth to set me free from.
Just yesterday, I was on the porch. I had my head leaned back and I was looking up at the clouds. It was a moment, just between me and Him. I remembered my threat in the shower and realized at that moment, I didn’t think that way anymore. I could actually play out my worst fear and now He is my first thought. He is the one who would see me through such a terrible thing. I would have it no other way.
I’ve been set free from fear. I can now say that if the worst happened, I believe, in the end He would still be my God and I would still be His beloved.
There is no fear in love. There may be pain, but there is no fear.