I’ve Changed
“You take one of my babies and the deal’s off!”
A few years ago I stood in my shower and threatened God, or at least I thought I did, that if anything happened to one of my kids I would walk away. I literally thought that if the worst of my fears actually came true, I would blame Him and never talk to Him again. I was that afraid. I lived in a a state of fear; fear that He would take one of my children and if He did, so help me God because no one else would be able to.
I would worry, and sometimes go into sheer panic, if someone else was driving the car with them in it. I just knew that if I wasn’t with them, that would be the time something went wrong. I reasoned that even if something did go wrong and I was there, well, at least I was there. I was terrified that something awful would happen.
I had the same experience with Him a few years earlier when it came to my husband. I figured that one way for me to be “forced” into getting closer to God and having the “real me” exposed would be if I faced my worst fears. I cried and cried, again in the shower, to God that I didn’t want to get any closer to Him if it meant I would lose someone. I figured the results I heard that come from suffering were not ones I was willing to suffer for.
All in all, it was a twisted thought life stemmed from my grandparents being ripped from our family in a deadly plane crash when I was thirteen. Somehow those emotions were capitalized on and the Enemy had a hay day. Fear set in like cement and put a rock solid belief system in me that took the sledge hammer of truth to set me free from.
Just yesterday, I was on the porch. I had my head leaned back and I was looking up at the clouds. It was a moment, just between me and Him. I remembered my threat in the shower and realized at that moment, I didn’t think that way anymore. I could actually play out my worst fear and now He is my first thought. He is the one who would see me through such a terrible thing. I would have it no other way.
I’ve been set free from fear. I can now say that if the worst happened, I believe, in the end He would still be my God and I would still be His beloved.
There is no fear in love. There may be pain, but there is no fear.
When my daughter started driving and then moved out on her own, I would lay awake at night worrying about her.
Finally I had to give her back to God to protect. I was making myself sick over the "what ifs" and she was out having a great time. God gave me peace over the situation.
Now I have to do the same thing with my son as he starts driving.
That is good change.
~Luke
Hi Natalie. I found you through the AWI conference this week…but I have to be honest. What made me click through to "meet" you is your love of waxy little chocolate donuts.
Anyway.
I've had these same thoughts and conversations with God. But instead of screaming or crying them, it's more like whimpers and whispers – as if saying it completely out loud would make the bad things happen.
But God hasn't called us to a life of fear. I know that. Now I just have to remember it…
Mary, remember, only God has the power to make things come into existence with His word, not us. You can say what ever you want to Him and He will hear you.
We're not that powerful. The Bible teaches that, yes, our tounges hold the power of life and death, but that does't mean we have the power to alter the future or our circumstances with our words. Only God can create and destroy. If we could do that, well then, we'd be God.
Always feel free to voice what ever you want to Him. He loves you that much!
Needed this right now. Thanks friend!
I think so many of us moms suffer from fears like these. Thank the Lord for his patience with our silly (albeit real) underestimation of his goodness. Thanks, as always, for keeping it real!
I can honestly say that although I had those same fears when my boys were young, when it actually happened my reaction was NOT the same as my fears had been.
When I got the call at 2 am I didn't yell out, I didn't scream, I didn't wail and throw my fist at God like I had thought I would. Instead, I quietly felt the tears roll down my cheeks while at the same time I felt powerful hands resting on my shoulders.
I didn't blame God. I didn't ask him why. He was there with me through the whole thing, comforting me when I most needed it.
I "whispered" to Him, if my babies wont be with You, please take them now….actually, I didnt say them outloud – I let my heart tell Him because I wasnt sure I could say the words.
Love you Natalie
When my eldest was a babe and her brother after that….I was afraid to get them dedicated…I did…but it was in fear and trepidation cause I figured if I 'gave them back' in dedication….He might decide to take them….I'm glad I don't have that fear anymore either.
Wow, Natalie. Thank you for being so honest about this. I've had to face "worst fears" of my own in the past few years… And I don't think I blame God -anymore.
But it took a LOT of changing, for me to be able to say that…
I want to write a novel here, but I'll just say that it's as hard as I thought it would be and that God is faithful. Bless His holy Name.
Oh, that is so good. I am on my way. Reading Crazy Love helped remind me that it's all about Him and that my life on this earth isn't for me, but for His glory.
Even in my awful pain, for His glory.