Choosing to be Offended
I blew it. I mean I really blew it. Not that they knew how bad it was, but in my heart, I knew.
It was a normal day, besides the fact that I was just plain tired from a migraine so bad it would have killed a baby elephant, nothing was “off”. So, my dear sweet older children said they would “take care of things” if I wanted to lie down. Which really means they will keep the 3 year old out of my room while I get some zzz’s with the baby sleeping too.
I agreed.
I went in my room for about an hour and slept all of 20 min. Dang. This didn’t bode well for the children. (this is where the “blowing it” begins)
I get up, they are watching TV- no big deal- and then I walk into the kitchen. It was exactly how I left it. Hmm, so, I decided to take offense. I mean if they say they are going to “take care of things” then why in the world are there still dirty dishes and dried up grape vines on my couch? Why is the macaroni and cheese still on the stove? And don’t huff at me when I ask you to clean up!!!
(let the blowing it commence)
After I gave my kids the evil eye, and the raise voice (I didn’t yell), I went outside and may have shut the door a bit too hard. Shows them that I wasn’t happy. I paced outside a bit trying to figure out why I was so upset and yet felt justified in my anger.
Slow down, Nat.
I sat on the porch and thumbed through junk mail while all four of my kids looked out the glass door at me like little puppies I had just whipped with a newspaper. My attitude was speaking louder than words. My silence was causing them to have the “oh crap” look. I thumbed through the mail again eyeing the coupon for pizza while purposefully not looking inside. Awesome.
Then I went in. My oldest wanted to talk and I dismissed her. Rude, I know. I KNOW! She even wanted a hug and I said no. Within three minutes I was giving them a tongue lashing. I even had tears and may have used the “D” word. I’m so cool and mature. But… I didn’t yell. Mom of the Year.
More time goes by. They walk by me and I may or may not eek out a grin. They flitter around me doing the chores they were supposed to do all along.
Why am I so mad? Why am I so offended?
After an evening and a walk around Pier 1 it began to become clear:
I allowed what my kids did (which wasn’t that big of deal) to offend me. God began to show me that I was, to some degree, looking to my children to make me feel loved and honored and appreciated.
Not that we all don’t want that, and not that they shouldn’t love and honor us. BUT, they are not the ones I should EVER look to to find my value, my importance, or my security. Don’t get me wrong, I find my hope and identity in Jesus, but my greatest weakness is feeling overlooked and undervalued and if I don’t keep my eyes on Christ and find all my purpose and security in Him, I will certainly go looking for it elsewhere.
After confessions made to God and apologies made to my children, I am asking for a changed heart…again.
What about you? Your greatest weakness will be your greatest temptation to find fulfillment somewhere out of Christ. In what ways do you look to “man” to fill a need only Christ can fill?
I am so glad you shared this. I was truly expecting you to describe this horrible rage of anger and tears and huffing and puffing. Although, I should know we don’t necessarily need to yell and scream for our words (and actions) to sting, shoot arrows and break hearts. I’m the queen of that one. I find myself more often than not looking to my earthly people to make me feel loved and worthy. I think it’s because they are “tangible”….why can’t I just accept that God loves me, No. Matter. What. and rest in that??? I am constantly asking for a changed heart, right along with you. Love you Natalie.
Love you Lori!
Whew! I’ve been in those shoes. I get it. Could be you were one of the causes when you were about eleven. Hee, hee! Glad you’re okay now. Love you.
YMWLY Your Momma what loves you
Unfortunately, I’ve been there TOO many times. I find that my issue is selfishness. I fall into the “This is my time to sit and relax, not be a parent” or “Why can’t just have 1 minute” or “Am I the only one who can do this…” I pray every day that God would clear me of this ugly flesh. Glad to know I’m not alone in this battle.
Me too! Being real is the best remedy!
Eesh… this echos of something that went down with me this weekend… though I didn’t keep things as cool.
Thank you, Christ, for Your continued grace, and please continue to mold me into the person You want me to become. Amen.
~Luke
Your story chokes my throat and throbs my heart. I know it well. I ache for where you’re at. I regret the times I’ve done this to my children, too. Grace is the moment of forgiveness…from the Lord to us…from our children, too.
And even as I feel the pain of your reality, I praise God for showing you the need for a heart change. He has done that me me…in the last four years. He has changed my behavior and has filled me bit by bit with His love. As the emptiness is satisfied more and more by Him alone, I really am becoming more like Him…and more like the woman and mom I want to be.
wow, you could have been a fly on the wall in my house today. i threatened to send them back to school. i think reia might have cheered about it but since i wasn’t looking at them, who knows. needed this today my friend, thanks.