I blew it. I mean I really blew it. Not that they knew how bad it was, but in my heart, I knew.
It was a normal day, besides the fact that I was just plain tired from a migraine so bad it would have killed a baby elephant, nothing was “off”. So, my dear sweet older children said they would “take care of things” if I wanted to lie down. Which really means they will keep the 3 year old out of my room while I get some zzz’s with the baby sleeping too.
I went in my room for about an hour and slept all of 20 min. Dang. This didn’t bode well for the children. (this is where the “blowing it” begins)
I get up, they are watching TV- no big deal- and then I walk into the kitchen. It was exactly how I left it. Hmm, so, I decided to take offense. I mean if they say they are going to “take care of things” then why in the world are there still dirty dishes and dried up grape vines on my couch? Why is the macaroni and cheese still on the stove? And don’t huff at me when I ask you to clean up!!!
(let the blowing it commence)
After I gave my kids the evil eye, and the raise voice (I didn’t yell), I went outside and may have shut the door a bit too hard. Shows them that I wasn’t happy. I paced outside a bit trying to figure out why I was so upset and yet felt justified in my anger.
Slow down, Nat.
I sat on the porch and thumbed through junk mail while all four of my kids looked out the glass door at me like little puppies I had just whipped with a newspaper. My attitude was speaking louder than words. My silence was causing them to have the “oh crap” look. I thumbed through the mail again eyeing the coupon for pizza while purposefully not looking inside. Awesome.
Then I went in. My oldest wanted to talk and I dismissed her. Rude, I know. I KNOW! She even wanted a hug and I said no. Within three minutes I was giving them a tongue lashing. I even had tears and may have used the “D” word. I’m so cool and mature. But… I didn’t yell. Mom of the Year.
More time goes by. They walk by me and I may or may not eek out a grin. They flitter around me doing the chores they were supposed to do all along.
Why am I so mad? Why am I so offended?
After an evening and a walk around Pier 1 it began to become clear:
I allowed what my kids did (which wasn’t that big of deal) to offend me. God began to show me that I was, to some degree, looking to my children to make me feel loved and honored and appreciated.
Not that we all don’t want that, and not that they shouldn’t love and honor us. BUT, they are not the ones I should EVER look to to find my value, my importance, or my security. Don’t get me wrong, I find my hope and identity in Jesus, but my greatest weakness is feeling overlooked and undervalued and if I don’t keep my eyes on Christ and find all my purpose and security in Him, I will certainly go looking for it elsewhere.
After confessions made to God and apologies made to my children, I am asking for a changed heart…again.
What about you? Your greatest weakness will be your greatest temptation to find fulfillment somewhere out of Christ. In what ways do you look to “man” to fill a need only Christ can fill?