Category: Health

Freedom in Vulnerability


Some Vulnerable Moments

  • IMG_4198When I cross the threshold of an airplane and see the five-inch-wide tube I’m climbing in, there is a moment of “heck no!” and I wonder if anyone else thinks about the fact that we are getting in a can to fly 35,000 feet up in the sky.
  • I used to live on a two lane highway in Missouri. Sometimes I would briefly close my eyes when the car coming toward me would pass. Not the smartest, I know, but the vision of a head on collision was just too much for me. I slipped into a short season of fear every time JT left for work. Two lane highway. People driving 65 miles an hour at each other.
  • I went into check on by baby because he was too fussy when I laid him down for his nap. I had stepped outside just to get a breather and let him cry it out. My momma heart was too heavy and I peeked in on him one more time. Oh my gosh! His eyes were swelling up! We called 911 and headed to the hospital. He had an allergic reaction to eggs.
  • 1985. My sister was sitting on my bed using the phone. I sat at her feet studying her face. She cried, “Okay, thank you.” She sat the phone down and ran down the hall. I followed right behind as she threw herself on the steps. “It was them, mom! It was them!” My grandparents had just been killed in an airplane crash.
  • 1984 6th grdHe called me a beaver.  I had bucked teeth in the 5th grade. He even made a beaver face at me, putting his front teeth over his bottom lip and making a sort of “phht” sound over and over.
  • When I was in Jr. High, I walked in the college music hall hugging my piano books against my chest. The competition was there. My nerves were in my throat and I watched the as the clock told me it was my turn. I sat down at the piano in the music room and played my memorized piece. My shoes clicked back down the hall and out into the Oklahoma heat. My stomach had settled back down.
  • My brother and I were driving slower than the actual speed limit looking for a place to turn around when some guy pulled out in front of us from the other side of the street. We hit him. Air bags and smoke. Amazing how powerful a hit is at 35 miles an hour. He was drunk and took off. The police found him down a dead end street.
  • I sat in a room full of people I loved and knew he didn’t love me anymore. He was over me. My heart was broken.
  • I leaned back and let my own body weight sit down in the strap. I looked up at the person above me telling me it was okay and to just start walking backward. Gravity pulled at me, trying to pull me down the 70 ft. drop. Straps held me in, and my own hand held a fall at bay. One foot after the other, down the rock face to the bottom. Two feet on the ground.
  • photo 1I panicked. I couldn’t go through with it and had to get out. My husband sat on the side of the hospital bed and told me we couldn’t make it stop and the baby was going to come. The panic subsided and a baby was born.
  • My girls were about the ages of four and five. My mom came over and wanted to take them home for the day. They drove off and then mom called me and said, “Oh, we’re going to run down to Carrie’s.” Carrie’s was 45 min away. Panic. What if they crash? What if I lose my babies? All bets are off if You take my babies.

            Vulnerable: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Welcome to the human experience. There is no human on the planet that at one time or another (or all the time) hasn’t felt vulnerable. The human experience is wrought with susceptibility. From health, to accidents; rejection to abandonment. We are vulnerable to loss, pain, terror, surprise, sickness and death. No human can escape. No human doesn’t experience the weight of this truth.

Vulnerability was exposed the moment Adam and Eve sinned and ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. There it was, the exposure of the chasm between man and God; good and evil; safety and vulnerability. Their instinct was to hide. They were scared. They had now and forever been exposed to two things: 1. Their own sin and 2. his great glory. Not the glory where we lift our hands and “give glory,” no, this is the weight of who God is. Their eyes were opened and the distinction between who they were and who God was was so stark, so terrifying, so drastic, so real, they ran and hid. His light had exposed the reality of what was between the Creator and the Created. The wonder had been blown out like a candle’s flame. Death was ushered in like an unwanted guest. They were no longer safe in the garden or safe in His presence. They had become vulnerable, susceptible, exposed.

Any encounter from then on with the Almighty was met first with “Do not be afraid!” Fear was the new instinct when humanity met its Maker. When the fullness of the glory of God was made known when the first couple ate, with it came the rebellion against that glory. Since his own Glory is God’s primary passion, he dealt with humanity as Great and Glorious first, and they then understood his love and compassion later. The weight of his Glory is his first and foremost expression of Who he is. Even when Jesus came, John says that after Jesus did his first miracle of turning water to wine that this was the first time “he revealed his glory.” It doesn’t say “he revealed his love.” Glory, the weight of Who God is, meets the human before anything characteristic or other expression.

It is this glory that makes us vulnerable. Scott Saul’s taught that when the angels appeared to the shepherds and declared, “Do not be afraid!” is because the Light of God exposes in us the darkness of what is expressed in humanity. His light exposes our frailty, our nothingness, our weakness, our insignificance, our dust, our fleeting nature. This great Light of God shines in our hearts and we are undone at the magnitude of the chasm between who God is and who we are. We know we are creatures, doomed to die and we feel it all the time. The gasp at a near miss. The relief when we get a good report. The sense that time goes too fast. We see it in the wrinkles in our faces and the pain in our joints. We smile and sigh at the clothes our kids outgrow in a few months. We shake our heads that is was twenty-five, fifty-five years ago we got married. We just can’t believe it when we bury our loved ones.

Death never feels right. Our vulnerable state comes to fruition when we breathe our last. Most of us have a sense that we will never really meet that time. I think we pass our days without giving breath a second thought. It goes in and out. Our chests heave up and down and we don’t even think about it. Then one day, it stops. And we are always surprised. Even if someone has been sick, when they stop breathing we just stare in disbelief. We instinctively know that death is not supposed to creep into the land of the living. It’s not supposed to show up and steal what we love. It’s not supposed to sweep through countries and come at the hands of one man to another. We know it. We know it.

So, we call it something else, “God’s will,” or “The circle of life.” Others might say that they will find life in the next life. Maybe they will come back as someone or something else. But, to think that we die and that’s it, is almost something the human mind cannot, or will not, accept.

Why? Why does the human in all its brilliance and intelligence suffer in the knowledge that death comes to us all? It is because it is not in the original design. We were never created to feel the susceptibility and vulnerability we now feel. Even now, thousands of years and sins removed from Adam and Eve, we cannot help but hate death. It’s been part of the human experience since the beginning, surely we would have reconciled with it by now! But, we haven’t. We still weep and wail. We still sit stunned and stare off. We still scream and cry and shake our fists at the heavens. We are not used to it. Even in our attempts to honor our loved ones and create dignified ways of saying good-bye, the ache in the human heart swells and we just know that it isn’t right.

And we are right.

Before the choice of sinning against God, there was no death, and it is still within the DNA of the human to know that we aren’t meant for it. In fact, the Word of God says, “He has also set eternity in their heart.” (Ecc. 3:11) It’s just as much truth in us as our DNA for our gender, eye color, hair color, race, and fingerprints. Their choice left all of us vulnerable and scared. It left us feeling like at any minute the worst could happen.



In the same story of the angels before the shepherds after they declare, “Do not be afraid!” they go on to say, “We bring you good news that will cause great joy!” The same light of God that exposed mankind to the chasm between Creator and Created offers that which will redeem sin and death. The same Light that brought forth the Glory of God, the weight of who he was before that which he had created, now brought forth the Glory, the weight of redemption. The Light exposes us; the Light envelopes us.

Why is this freedom?

Because now we are left with something we don’t have to beat ourselves up over anymore. At the age of 42 I have now realized, with relief, that my instinct to panic, to suck in air of fear and flinch at bad news, and cry at death, and have a moment of anxiety when I need to do a breast exam, is nothing more that my fallen human experience that was brought forth when the Light of God’s holiness and glory was shown to Adam and Eve.

It is not a lack of faith when I feel vulnerable.

It is the very expression of knowing Who God is and who I am; knowing what will be and what is right now; knowing my life is dying, but there is life to come. I am not not trusting God because I feel vulnerable and exposed to what could happen in life. I am not someone who doesn’t believe God for his word when I feel the weight of death and fear of illness, or debt, or suffering, or abandonment.

What is faith is feeling that vulnerability, that exposure, that insecurity and believing that the same Light of Glory, weight of God, love and compassion of God is greater than those things. His glory over me in blessing and life is greater than what is revealed in the natural human experience.

I think too often it has been taught that a life with fear is a life without faith.

While I believe we cannot live in fear, I do not believe we can live without feeling vulnerable. When vulnerability gives way to fear, we must remind ourselves that God’s glory over us is greater. God’s promise to us is greater. God’s love in us through Jesus is greater. God’s Holy Spirit who brings us life and light and knowledge is greater.

God’s glory is greater. The angels in Luke 2 continue with the joy that God’s glory is the highest and there will be peace for those on whom his favor (blessing) rests! This Glory rests upon us.

This GLORY rests on us. Think on this.

We should be relieved to know that the vulnerable ways we feel are because God has shown himself to us and we have seen the scales of balance between us. A greater knowledge of God should create in us a greater sense of vulnerability. From this, we rest in the greater greatness of God’s glory in and over us that comes in blessing and honor, strength and power, stability and peace, security and being known.

This is peace that passes understanding. In our vulnerable, chaotic state, we have a peace from God that passes it up. This tells us that our understanding is, yes, we are vulnerable and exposed and dying, and yet his peace is greater than that. We don’t have to stop feeling one to have the other. The Glory of God gives us this supernatural peace in the midst of our natural vulnerable reality. That is faith.

That is the freedom found in vulnerability.


When You’re Afraid Afraid

It’s not uncommon for me to go arms-a-flailing if I think I’m being attacked by a swarm of bees…or a fly. It’s rather grandiose and entertaining to those around me who stare motionless for a half a second, then proceed with a look that says, “What the heck was that?” Many just come on out and say it. When it comes to flying bugs, let’s just say… I’m punchy.

Instinctive fear, I suppose. If it’s flying, I’m flighting.

Fear. So many things to be afraid of. So many things we are exposed to that cause us to get punchy about the future. We might look cool on the outside, but inside our stomachs are full of flying insects and our invisible arms are flailing hoping that we can somehow swat the fear of whatever might be coming our way.

Fear. So many things to hide from. The past. The mistake. The secret sin. Those things swarm us and we whip around looking for where it’s coming from only to find that it really does allude us, and then we cower, waiting for it to come at us again. It’s exhausting.

Fear of what was. Fear of what is. Fear of what could be.



Recently, I went on another hike at a nearby heaven-of-a-place in the heart of Nashville. For this Okie, these are mountains. They are covered with trees. Huge, gorgeous trees. Breathtaking trees. This particular day, I played a podcast that a friend had recommended. A local pastor, Scott Sauls, was on deck as I heaved up the hill one more time.

It was one of those messages. One that came right place, right time. Here’s the takeaway.

He was teaching on the glory of God that came to the shepherds at the time of Christ’s birth. And what do they say? “Do not fear!” Riiiiiight. Apparently the Greek says they were “afraid afraid.” Double afraid. Doozy afraid. Really, really afraid.

I’ve known afraid afraid. Not bugs, but the world of the “What if…..” I hate that world.

But the Glory that shown around them ushered in fear. That Light of God exposed the darkness of the world, thus exposing our vulnerability. The Light that walked in the Garden with The Couple exposed them when they sinned, and they hid in fear.

The Light revealed what Adam and Eve ushered in…. we are all going to die.

We are exposed.
Vulnerable to the instinctive knowledge of our tenure on earth.
And we are terrified.

Sauls said there was the disorienting light that shown and scared the wits out of them, and the comforting light that offered the redemption of the world in a baby.

This light and it’s disorienting/comforting manifestation is made reconciled in one word: Glory.

The Glory of God shown round and exposed all that was. The Glory of God shown round and comforted all, giving peace and favor on all who believe.

(enter revelation in the hike)

When Sauls kept saying “the Light of God” did this and that, and it is the Light of God that exposes the fact that we are indeed vulnerable, temporary, weak and powerless, I was….. RELIEVED!

I realized my instinctive fear and concern for my life isn’t from a place of lacking faith or weak trust, but from the fact that I’m a human who has seen the Light and what it has exposed. It is natural to realize that our lives are fleeting, small, open, exposed, vulnerable, because it is what God revealed to us through the sin of Adam. And, therefore, it is supernatural of us to realize that our lives are bolstered, cared for, favored, blessed, lavished upon, and redeemed because it is what God reveal to us through the grace of Jesus.

Same Light. Same truth.

Vulnerability. Death. Comfort. Life.

IMG_3925(The A-ha!)

If then, all those passing, jarring anxiety-juiced moments when
“was that a lump?”
“what if one of my kids gets sick?”
“does he love me?”
“am I beautiful?”
“am I worthy?”
“do I matter?”
“I’m not like her.”
“I am weak and afraid”

Those moments, when they pass through our minds because of our vulnerable and exposed state, we must say one thing:

God’s Glory is Greater

God’s Glory is Greater, loftier, weightier, heavier, stronger than any shame, any fear, any vulnerable place or thought. The Light that exposes our darkest fears and sin, is the same Light that infuses itself in our souls providing redemption, peace and marks us with favor and blessing.

We are as vulnerable as we will ever be because of the revelation given to us by the Light; and as safe as we will ever be in that same Light.

The weight and majesty of His glory both reveals our tragic weakness and yet lovingly holds us in his Almighty greatness. We cannot escape our vulnerability, and as those of The Way, cannot escape the love of this great grace. We are worse off than we realize and safer than we could dream. This is the great paradox of the revelation of God’s Glory.

Rest deeply in your vulnerable state my friends.

When Fear Pounces and Joy Unfolds

FullSizeRender-1I didn’t want to take showers anymore because I knew that I would find something wrong. I would start the water and my stomach would fill with the little knives of anxiety. My heart race, my breath shorten. Somewhere along the way on my road of depression and grief, I had developed a trigger that said, “You get in and this time you’ll find a lump.”

I would get in because, well, it would be gross to never shower again and I had some sort of dignity left even though fear and anxiety had become my BFF’s. It was strange to be experiencing fear at such a pronounced level. I mean, I think any woman gives at least some thought to finding something in the shower every now and then, but what I was going through was not like that. I could hardly muster up the courage to get in the water.

Patsy Clairmont says in her book, You are More Than You Know, 

“Fear suggests that it came on suddenly when actually it’s been setting up housekeeping inside of us most of our lives. Satan has just been waiting for a situation where he would catch us off guard and set off fear explosives.”

I felt like all the fears, the paranoia, the hypochondria episodes, were sudden, pouncing on me like a lion on an unsuspecting meal. Not so true. Those fears had really actually been there inside me. Maybe somewhat dormant, easy to ignore and control. But, once my life had been uprooted from my home and I went spiralling into depression, those fears were unleashed and grew to the size of monsters. Satan absolutely took advantage of my situation and went on a full out war to get me to surrender to crazy. He dropped fear bombs on me and left me wounded and crying in pain.

My showers were quick. I would slide the soap bar over my breasts and make sure I didn’t linger on them very long. Or, I would just indulge the fear and do a 20 min examination on myself, shaking and knowing things were going to go wrong. Once I was “in the clear” I could go on with my shower and be done with it…until I cycled again.

My fears weren’t limited to just my boobs. I would feel anything weird and know I was doomed. It was appalling to me that normal aches and pains could send me into days of worry and self-medication (wine). A pinch at ovulation. A not-so-normal bowel movement. A headache. Even though each had a rational explanation, it didn’t matter, my emotions won the battle of my mind. The more I stressed about things, the more I believed things were happening, the more my physical body actually acted weird. I had pins and needles. I had weakness and my arms felt limp. I was sore down my neck and arms. I thought my legs weren’t working right. And, I more than once went to see my nurse practitioner/friend and tried to play it cool until she flat out said, “You’re a hypochondriac.”

She was right.FullSizeRender-2

I had spiraled and spun and cycled into an all out worry wart about my health, all while dealing with depression and two more moves after we got to Nashville. I would try and stay away from Google, because we all know every symptom of everything could be the common cold or you’re dead in seven days.

Listen: STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE! (unless you need an answer to some trivia question like, “Who’s the best ping-pong player of all time?”)

I researched my brains out on how to heal the mind. Ordered supplements, read books and articles, listened to my NP on what were the best natural ways to balance my chemicals and feed my brain.

Vitamin D3
Omega 3’s

I took them religiously, some of which I still do.

But, there was no magic pill. No right supplement combination that got me through. They were a great part and a good part, no doubt. Feeding my brain with good brain food was a step in the right direction. Talking walks in the sun were great as well. But, the biggest factor to my healing was…




You thought I was going to say Jesus, didn’t you? But, notice, I said factor. I didn’t say agent.

Here’s some fun dictionary stuff.

Factor: one of the elements contributing to a particular result or situation.
Agent: a person or thing or acts or has the power to act.


Time was indeed my greatest factor. It was one of the best elements that contributed to a result of healing. But, Jesus, he is the only person who had the power to act and heal.

In that time, I would fall and weep and tell him I couldn’t do it. I thought I would never be normal again. The fear and anxiety was too great and I just needed to move home to Oklahoma and drink wine and all would be okay.

FullSizeRenderBut, when the wine wore off and there were no boxes to be packed, I was still there with my fears, and my grief, and my depression. I think somewhere along the way in our super speedy way of living, we think that we can come through things faster, or that we should come through them really fast, and in a tweet sized way. Quick, short and easy. “This too shall pass” we say, but how long that takes is different for each of us. And usually, we want it to pass quickly.

There isn’t a day I can look to back and say, “Huh! I’m not a freak anymore!” I can’t tell you when the paralyzing grip stopped choking me, but I can tell you it did stop. I was persistent with God. I clung to Him and told Him I trusted Him over and over. I read the Word and had a few safe friends who knew what was going on. I confided in my mom. I saw a counselor and was honest with my husband. I sat. I stared. I read. I wept. I believed that God was greater than my situation and actually got to where I could say, “This won’t last forever.”

The fear let go.
The paralyzing cycle of what-if’s quit playing in my head.
The assurance of a faithful God even if my worst nightmare happened began to take the place of struggling to believe I would be normal again.
The grief of losing the life I thought I would have released, and I accepted this journey He had me on.
I quit waking up in knots.
I quit reaching for the bottle.
I relaxed.
Knew God.
Slept all night.




To open back up from being so tight in fear is like the slow opening like a flower to the sun. It’s a process, an unfolding, and exposure to the Truth-Light until you’re all the way open to the fresh goodness of God, a new perspective on life, and a newfound firm place to stand.

This is what coming out of fear feels like.

I won’t lie and say I never fear anything ever! because, well, I’d be lying. But, I can say that fear doesn’t call the shots. Fear doesn’t tell me that I’m crazy and that I’ll never be free. Fear no longer leads me through my day like a whipped puppy. Fear isn’t my boss, Christ and His Word are!


Your journey holding hands with depression and fear can come to an end.

Believe me.
And trust the Agent of healing through a long factor of time.



For a more in-depth look at how to be free from fear read Patsy’s book, You are More than You KnowAvailable on Amazon. Just click the book title!

The 5 Things It Took To Overcome Anxiety

IMG_2995Let’s begin by saying this is the way it happened for me. This is a not a step-by-step-do-this-and-it-will-work because we are all different when it comes to anxiety. Each of us have different triggers. None of us “do” anxiety the same way. What trips my trigger might be a no-big to you. What gets you all in a fuss might make me roll my eyes. So, that being said, this is how I overcame anxiety.

First of all, anxiety and all it’s facets, all it’s attachments, all the things that can go along with it basically suck. We all know, (well, we all can Google pretty quickly to find out) that there are millions of us on anxiety meds. There are millions of us who need counseling. There are millions of us who might not be on meds but self-medicate. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out we are in deep. We are in a deep hole of anxiety and worry and depression…and that includes us, Christ followers.

I don’t have the room here to write a ba-billion things about anxiety and there are plenty of experts out there who love Jesus and can teach you more. I would, first of all, send you to the Word of God and then Caroline Leaf. Just read her stuff and watch her videos. Twice.

Now, back to me.

I never had anxiety until I uprooted and moved from Oklahoma to Nashville. It was coupled with depression (which actually came first….maybe), and some hypochondriac issues (which just held hands with the other two). So, anxiety, depression and being scared that I had a tumor in my elbow or back of the knee every other week made for a mess of me. And it lasted for well over a year.

It was awful. It wasn’t constant, but when it hit, it was overwhelming, irrational, and breathtaking.

We have been in Nashville a little over three years now, and I can finally say I have been well for quite some time. While I do not want to go through my personal anxiety details, I do want to go through the things I did, and God did, to get me well. I would highly suggest doing all of these and what ever else the Lord leads you to do.

1. I was always honest with God. Even though I put my journal away for a season because it just didn’t fit who I was anymore, I didn’t run from Him, or blame Him. I was always honest with Him. I never felt like I couldn’t tell Him exactly the way I felt and what I was going through…even when I couldn’t hear Him, I still knew His promise was true; He was in me and that was what I knew regardless of how I felt. Notice, I don’t talk about my “prayer life”. That kind of language just made me mad. My season of darkness and anxiety drug that church stuff through the mud. We talked. I cried. He listened. He spoke. It wasn’t a prayer life. It was prayer triage.  And that was the best way to have it.

2. I personally did not go on medication. I found a NP who worked with me with food, supplements and exercise. I bought what she said, I ate what she said, and I made sure I got exercise. Now, saying that, I did find that I drank more wine during that time. Sometimes too much, so that’s the whole “self-medication” I was talking about. For me, prescriptions weren’t an option. Food and supplements and sunshine are vital to your mental health. I read this book, The UltraMind Solution, and it was awesome. (ps. do not go off or on meds without your Doctor. Don’t do dumb stuff like that, m’kay?)

3. I made sure I had people who knew what I was going through. Even though many didn’t understand, there were the select few who did. They knew what I was dealing with and why, and they were there for me. If you are struggling to get well, find people you can be honest with and talk to. If you don’t have close friends like that, get to a counselor.

4. It took a lot of surrendering to the work of the Holy Spirit to really understand that my anxiety came from a feeling of a lack of control. These were layers of discovery with Jesus. I had to learn that I had planned my whole life, and it wasn’t mine to plan. I had to give up what I thought my future would be like and remind myself that I said yes to a God who wanted my whole trust and my absolute faith. I find that we have a hard time juggling our “dreams” with abandoning our whole lives to Christ, but that’s a different blog post.

5. Pulling my eyes off my circumstances, my wants, even my dreams, led me back to living in God’s wants and dreams for Himself. If I say I am a Christ follower, a God follower, someone who has committed my life to the Creator of the Universe, that has agreed that my life is not my own, that I was bought with a price, then I must be about what He is about. I must live a life that He describes as one lived according to His word and His purposes. Anything less is all about me. Now, that is a LOT easier said than done, especially in our culture, and even in the church, were discovering my dream is a greater and loftier thing to do than for me to discover God and His dream. Jesus prayed in John 17:3, “Now this is eternal life that they may know you, the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.” My whole life should be the same prayer. When we pray that prayer, it requires adjustment. Maybe not for all of us, but for a lot of us, it requires us looking at our life and deciding if we are all about making sure people know Him, the only true God.

You are needed desperately in the great call of God for the nations. That is domestic and foreign. Jesus’ prayer was a global, international, go-into-all-the-world kind of prayer. It wasn’t one for self-help and self-realization. His prayer is that we would know God, that they would know God.. and this for His glory.

And those of us who follow Him must be determined not to be ruled by anything but Him. That includes anxiety and/or depression.

Are you ready to be free?
Are you willing to put up the fight?
Are you willing to surrender, to yield in faith to the Holy Spirit, to gain freedom so you can get in the prayer with Jesus?

Please do. Don’t let anxiety and depression keep you down any longer. Don’t let mainstream America and mainstream medicine tell you you can’t. You can. God can. It might take awhile because God might need to break down some false beliefs you have about your anxiety and depression, but it can be done. (disclaimer: I realize there may be a few people who really do have genetic and chemical issues. I have an uncle who is bi-polar. There isn’t anything he can do. But, the vast majority of us that have dealt with this and are dealing with it, can be free and well. I’ve done it.)

Okay, that’s my thing. Visit Caroline Leaf. Read her books. Read Andrew Murray’s The Indwelling Spirit. Ingest the Word of God. Believe it in faith that the Holy Spirit is doing a work you cannot.

What would happen if we stopped freaking out about our futures and our dreams and lived lives that lived out that prayer Jesus prayed? 
How can doing these things change the way you view your anxiety and depression?
Which one can you do today and the next day to get out of what is sadly brought on by ourselves, rather than our genetics? 
Are you willing to ask yourself the hard questions it would take to begin living a life for God? 
What things do you need to change to not let anxiety and depression rule you any longer?

You can be free.
You can be well.

You can join in the great work of taking Christ to the nations. 

(ps again. I know I sound like I am against personal dreams. I’m not. I’m against believers having dreams and calling them from God when they do nothing for the growth of His kingdom and only bring benefit to themselves. And there ya go.)


I thought I got honor. I mean, I tear up with the rest of us when the military gets an applause in the airport. That is certainly honor. Mercy. That gets me.

I love standing for someone and clapping for them.

I love telling my husband he is an amazing father and husband.

I love sticking up for people.

I love doctors and teachers and emergency workers.

I love people who risk their lives for others.

I love telling my kids how amazing they are.


So, now that we have that covered, I recently was shown something by God pertaining to honor. It’s super easy to have honor for those listed (and others) but something I haven’t shown much honor in is the, well, more secret places.

my time
my thoughts
what I feed my body

Websters Dictionary says this about honor:

1. High respect, esteem
2. a privilege
3. “honor implies the acknowledgment of a person’s right to be honored”

So, I have to ask myself, Is there anything in my life that is from God (who is the highest and worthy of all honor) that I do not honor, hold in high respect, esteem, consider a privilege?

The answer? Yes.

If God is the highest in my life who deserves all honor in all areas, then I have to take a look at what areas I’m lacking in in honor.  He is after His own glory, His own honor, and so should I be. Because, when I make that my primary objective then…. well, just read this little gem of a scripture.

“Wherever I cause my name to be honored, I will come to you and bless you.” Exodus 20:24b

Wow. Wherever He is honored then He will be and He will bless. Makes me want to make sure I am honoring Him in all ways.

What about you? Any areas you can think of where your honor to God might be, let’s say, a little less than?

I See Fat People

Ok, so we all know that America is the fattest country in the universe. I have to admit, I  contribute to the points that add up to make us #1 on the list, but I’m not proud of it. I’ve got a couple of bulbous places that are being tended to by Jillian. We’re working on it so that I can take my points off the list of “Who’s-Who Among Chubs Contributing to America’s Weight Problem”.

What about as Christians? Sometimes I see “fat” believers, “consumers” of the faith, if you will. Always whining about how miserable they are because of their past. Always complaining about their birth order and the havoc it brings in their day to day inability to cope with the rest of the world. Always telling me how “bad” they are and the sin they just can’t seem to shake.

Hello? My hand is raised up and I’m “Oo! Oo-ing!” because that’s me up there. I can have a consumeristic, what’s-in-it-for-me mentality when it comes to following Christ, and then, to spit on the cross, I simply live in all my fat-ness. I absorb Christian self-help books, and chow down with girlfriends about my habitual sin and complain about how difficult it is. I drink the rich mocha of self-absorption and find that my spiritual waist line is so fat it becomes toxic and should be called a waste-line.

So, what do we do? Well, physically we already know what to do to get healthy (note: I didn’t say skinny!)

1. Eat Right…. der

2. Drink plenty of water…. ya, ya

3. Exercise…..crap

4. Sleep….but, all the TV shows I need to watch!!

5. Get over your junk and contribute to society

6. Um, actually DO 1-5….blast.

Transfer spiritually:

1. Eat Right — der, the Word of God…. DAILY

2. Drink plenty of water…. that would be humbling yourself to the Spirit so He can do His job

3. Exercise…. Don’t just listen to the Word, DO IT

4. Sleep… no really! Good sleep helps the brain and Spirit. GO TO BED!

5. Get over your junk and contribute to society. —- If the Spirit of God can rescue Jesus from the dead, surely He can deliver you from whatever plagues you. If we continue to focus on that which is ugly, old, forbidden, unforgiven, and dangerous we will never become what God has planned. However, if we focus on what God has called us to (and that is a PLENTY) you’ll be surprised how quickly you forget your own junk and can make an eternal difference. You won’t even have the mental room to be sucking up sin-shakes and fried-up bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness. You’ll be like Nehemiah when rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. You’ll be able to say to those things, “I’m a doing a great work and cannot come down!”

6. Do 1-5

So, while I’m hangin’ with Jillian, I find that the more I hang with the Spirit, the less I become FAT in my own junk. I become a machine for Christ, unstoppable and unhindered by the shackles the enemy would love to toss on my shoulders.

Let me ask you? Are you a fat Christian?

I Try

Alright, alright, I’ll admit it: as much as I don’t want to think about weight gain or loss or how I look in my clothes; as much as I don’t want to worry about what other people are thinking; as much as I don’t want to obsess about what my “outer temple court” looks like…… I do.

I mean, I could give you an earful about what I think could be smaller, smoother, tighter and what not. But, who says that’s the way it should be? The world? Cosmo? Abercrombie? Dang ’em all.

I do care. But I want to care in a healthy way, not in an unhealthy way.

Lemme s’plain.

I want to feed it right, exercise it right, dress it right, and use it as a tool for His amazing call on my life. That = healthy.

However, sometimes I let what I see in the mirror dictate how I feel about myself. That = unhealthy.

So, what do I do?

I do what I always do when it comes to any insecurity, any problem, any sin issue, anything. I take it to Him in real, raw honesty and we hash it out. He’ll hear my issues, and speak truth to me. He’ll take my confession, and inhale forgivness in the breath of my soul.

We work it out. We deal with it. And then I live out what He has shown me.

That’s prayer.

What do you need to take to him? Doesn’t matter what it is, talk it out. Talk it over. And get on with living.

Body Obsession — I think it’s gone……

So, I read lots of posts and have written my fair share about the ups and downs of body image and food and size and …. on and on. You know the drill.

Yet, when I read about the struggles that women face, Christian women face, concerning their bodies, something in me goes all a hay-wire. Something doesn’t sit right with me. I get irritated and sad all at the same time.

There are a couple of things I struggle with…okay, like eight.

1) Why are we so obsessed with it?

2) Why are there obese followers of Christ?

3) Why are there followers of Christ who pert near kill themselves in the gym to fit into those skinny jeans?

4) Why do we watch every frickin’ calorie?

5) Who told us we are supposed to care as much as we do?

6) Why is it so stinkin’ hard?

7) What would Jesus say to us about our collective Christian obsession with food, diet, exercise?

Hey, I’m not saying I’m not guilty here. Don’t think I haven’t lived as a slave to the mirror, turning back and forth to get a good look at all the humps and bumps. Don’t think I didn’t look up and see a face that should be thinner, hair that should have better highlights, and teeth that should be whiter.  However, here I sit 9 months pregnant and *gasp* actually think I look pretty good!

Here’s me:

I used to cry over the size of different parts of my body.

I used to HATE the fact that wasn’t a size 2 or 4 anymore.

I used to feel guilty about the food I put in my mouth.

I used to think that people really thought less of me because of how I looked.

I used to think God wouldn’t use me until I got “it” under control.

Then, I began a hard journey with literally much sweat and tears running to God with this whole body image thing. I’d ask him the hard questions on the treadmill and cry with him on the floor wanting to be free from it. I knew that this obsession I had wasn’t supposed to be. Trying to reconcile health with spirit wasn’t working!

And he did a number, let me tell you.

He began to unfold in me the way of the thinking and believing I am the Temple of the Holy Spirit. He taught me that all things — all thoughts, all actions, all purposes, all passions — come from the inner most place where his Spirit lives in me.

He began to exchange the thoughts of outer beauty with inner purpose. He showed me that the body is an extension of the Holy of Holies, if you will, and must come under that authority. From the deepest places inside me that is filled with the Spirit, the body becomes something wonderful to be used by God to fulfill what he has called me to do.

Takes the edge off.

Takes the condemnation off.

Makes me view my body as a tool, instead of something that judges me.

This can be the same for you. However, you must take yourself to him. Be honest. Be real. Have him unravel whatever false belief systems you have and ask him to train you in the truth.

You might turn around…and be free.

(for more teaching on this, go to This BLOG and scroll down. You’ll see Keys to Godly Body Image. There are 5 weeks)

Snot Factory To Blame

For the better part of two weeks, I’ve had the worst sinus/cold/I’m-going-to-die thing going on in my face! It started right before Bible Study nearly two weeks ago and I thought, “Meh, this will be gone by the time I hit the road with my girlfriends to Dallas.” WRONG!

That Thursday I stayed in bed and hubs took the girls to co-op. I did go on that fun trip to Dallas/IKEA/SamMoon/everything-a-girl-loves and had a blast. However, my friends kept asking me if I was okay. I can’t imagine why. I mean, I was only able to talk for a bit before a coughing fit would overcome me, or keep Kleenex close because of all the snot. Not to mention that I was sporting a really good smoker’s laugh, but thanks for asking, I’m fine. *ahem, blech, cough!*

It’s hung on for days, but what I’ve found more interesting than the fact I’ve made more snot than a toddler’s nursery in the fall is that it’s been so incredibly distracting. All I could think about was how to suppress my cough, when I could take the next Benadryl, how do I keep this sexy, scratchy voice, where is my Tylenol! Distracting, big time.

I simply couldn’t help but be disengaged. The sheer energy it took from my body while trying to heal me was more than I bargained for. I found myself really trying to focus on conversations and stories. My eyes would want to close by themselves, but I needed to see the road because I’m doing a little thing called driving! By the time I was done teaching at Bible Study I simply felt like I had been run over by not only a Mac truck but by the Space Shuttle itself coming in for a landing.

Something, er someone else who has lost my attention has been God. But, here’s the deal: no guilt. None. There was a day when I would tell myself what a bad Christian I was for not praying and engaging with the Father. Not these days. My breathing, my talking to Him about how bad my teeth hurt because of the pressure was prayer. My sickness, although sucking the life and brains out of me, still did not cause me to “feel” far from Him even though everything was out of sync.

Not so with sin I’ve been in. That kind of sickness was in many ways descriptively the same, yet so different. Sin kept me distant. Sin sucked the life out of me. Sin clogged my mind and heart. Sin caused me to disengage in more than just everyday life, but every day with Christ. So different from a sinus infection. So much more deadly and toxic.

Honestly, I’ll take the cold sinus headache of two weeks over one minute of that sin-filled life. Give me snot any day.

And as with my cold, He was faithful to heal me from my sin. I’m so thankful that He is so faithful.


Today I get my glucose test.

Today will determine if I have gestational diabetes again.

Today I am believing that this disease will not rule this body…again.

Today I am believing God in spite of earthy “proof” and evidences.

Today I am healed.

To God be all the Glory in Christ.